Wednesday, November 05, 2008


It's a small black beast that sits on the shoulder, placing its hands over your eyes so that all you see is tinted dark and foggy. The weight of it penetrates each task, and the darkness penetrates your dreams.
Usually for me it lasts a day or so, but lately I have caught sight of the mist in my peripheral vision often. I tend to retreat when the dubhchas visits me- why bother infecting others and making their world dark? But fate has conspired to put dear and beloved friends into my face fairly frequently, so I recognize the nudge that karma is sending, and I will have dinner and enjoy their support and friendship.
October was so chock full of work, and many medical appointments. One of them was actually for me, and I had my teeth cleaned to the rant of a new hygienist who couldn't emphasize enough my need for periodontal work. No. Not now. I have not got the energy. Cujo had his long-awaited dental work, and had five extractions. I had him micro-chipped while he was out- I have driven past too many dead cats on the road recently, a sight that ruins my day. (My son and my ex both lost cats to cars this past few months.) Cuj recovered nicely with lots of attention & Fancy Feast (he is fourteen after all).
My daughter left for South America. I have been coping with some of her unfinished business- totally unlike her, and I am resentful because my hands are so full right now.
After another bout of acute illness in hospital, my sister had an appointment at a major hospital; we are hoping to get her into a program that offers a solution to her advanced disease. I also took her spouse to an appointment; I was so tired, I fell asleep sitting up in the waiting room.
I managed to vote yesterday by showing up at the poll at 6:45 AM. I was done voting by 7:15 and able to get to the place I was working that day on time (1 hr 45 minute one-way commute). Roughly a 17-hour day for me, I was grateful to sleep late today and needed a nap this afternoon as I was flat-out exhausted. Next week will be worse- I have a long-commute 12-hour day followed by three 12-hour shifts 60 minutes away, followed by a 9-hour shift, one day off and a double medical appointment.
No wonder I am in a foul mood.
At least my kitties love me. They have been fighting over who will sit next to me. Fluctuating kitty dynamics are always a great source of entertainment.
I dreamed about a schizophrenic former patient of mine, of whom I was very fond. It's been about 15 years since I have seen him, and he is likely no longer on this earth (schiz meds cause major metabolic and endocrine dysfunction). Funny I should have him creep up in my sub-conscious; last time I saw him, I had popped in to buy a coffee on my way to work. The manager of the shop was throwing him out as he perused his change for the payment of a cup of joe. I stepped up and said, "Mr. H, it would be my pleasure to treat you to a cup of coffee- how will you like it? Would you like a donut or muffin?" I glared the manager down and bought the man a cup of joe, and let the manager know what I thought of disrespect to the elders and infirm. Outside the shop, Mr. H said, "Do I know you? You look familiar, but I don't recollect your name..." I told him who I was, and that I had worked at the place he use to live, and that he was always unfailingly polite to me, never failed to leap to hold the door open when I was pregnant. I slipped him a fin, and told him it was a real pleasure to see him and have a chance to thank him for his politeness and good manners. And polite as usual, he slipped into my dream last night to remind me that things could be a lot worse. Even with delusions and voices in the head- one can still manage to be unflaggingly cheerful and polite.
Here's to tomorrow!

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